How to kidnap your child legally: the Canadian Edition

This is much, much easier than it sounds. All you need to do is to create a fake email and take it to the nearest family court:

  1. Craft an email chain that implies that your ex is out of the country, or their location is unknown. You can easily do this by clicking on the “Reply” button on a previous email chain you had with your ex and then editing the dates and the conversation manually. Or just use an editor like Word.
  2. Use an aggressive but realistic tone in the way your ex addresses you. You can portray them as either willing to get the full custody of your child or abandoning her. Say something like “I will get our daughter back when she comes of age.” or “I want a fresh start in life, away from you and all the pain you brought into my life.” from their mouth.
  3. Don’t forget to use a threatening tone too by saying something like “I will ruin your life and sue you for everything you have done.” from their mouth again.
  4. Prepare the motion material by filling in your ex’s address info with “Unknown”.
  5. Appear at the court and look distressed. Shedding a few drops of tears will guarantee the outcome.
  6. Ask the judge for full custody of your child and permission to travel with her.
  7. That’s it! Sit back and enjoy the victory. The judge will not order the police to reach out to your ex and validate all the evidence you just faked, because the judge’s and the police officers’ time is more valuable than your child’s physical and mental wellbeing. The judge will simply grant you full custody of your child and issue a protection order against your ex preventing them from getting in touch with you and your child. Moreover, the Canadian Government will facilitate and fund the kidnapping of your child by placing you into the victim protection program. What else could you ask for? Cheap housing? Wait, they actually provide that too… Remember, this is Canada!
  8. If you hire the most expensive lawyer you can find and make it easy for them to scam you, you can also create an unmanageable amount of legal debt for your ex to deal with. The judge will make sure that your ex realizes that they are in trouble if they want to maintain a relationship with your child by ordering them to pay all that.
  9. Don’t forget to book your trip to a destination where you can find a school or daycare for your child and, most importantly, enjoy the rest of your life.

Your ex will absolutely have no idea about what’s going on until it is too late. As I mentioned above, public servants of Canada have much more important duties than protecting your child or worrying about family matters.

Pro tip:
If you want to remain in Canada and just move to a different province and don’t want to get into legal trouble, just delete your email account to gain plausible deniability by eliminating the chance of your ex proving that you faked the email. By the time your ex realizes what’s going on and obtains an order to get your email service provide their logs (if this happens at all) your email service provider will have very likely purged their logs (if they keep them at all), hence no one will be able to prove that you faked the email. No, the fact that your ex doesn’t have the same email in their “sent folder” is not enough to prove that the communication did not happen, they could have simply deleted the email.

All that legal hassle your ex has to go through to gain access to your child again will give you ample time to alienate and brainwash your child into hating your ex and damage their relationship irreparably.

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